Family, ties and I | An introspection
Published by Mysorean on Friday, August 18, 2006 at 10:27:00 pm.
Sometimes I wonder what a family is all about. The definition keeps changing whenever we look at it.
As a kid, family meant appa, amma and ani - my kid brother. I used to find their restrictions a bit imposing and probably intrusive at times, but then I had no-one else who would feed me! Ani - my kid brother and I used to fight a lot when we were young. I was a deadly, insensitive, insensible, immature and jealous elder brother. I didn't know why families existed. I thought God had given everyone these individual boxes with 4 people each (because my family had 4 members) into which they went after school and playing cricket. And if by some stroke of luck, they had an element called 'Amma' thrown in then every kid goes home and studies!
As I grew up, family meant to be an unit together with which we face the world. Whenever I slap my friend at school, bite a fleshy arm of a well-to-do benchmate or break the wind-shield of an ambassador car, I have someone to shield me from directly getting spanked. Or in some cases, bear the financial implications. A strange definition. But I never thought beyond this. I guess I was very much living life as it came by the moment.
Then when it was the emotional growth point, I turned into this person who rarely exposed his inner self to anyone else. That was because there was not much off inner depth to this person. I always spoke my mind. Was short tempered. So my mind used to get lot of publicity. And as a result drew a lot of flak. And not necessarily everything was sugar-quoted. So, there was a dual personality brewing one who was hurt and another who was inflicting hurt. My family accepted me the way I was. My parents dealt with me the way you need to be dealt with. My brother has his own world, but we still used to fight. I forgot mention that I was extremely immature. Family then meant a place where I get to inflict hurt, because I don't get them back there. Whereas whenever I did it with the world it came back hundred times bigger.
At such a stage, friends came into my life. Though my equation with them was restricted to sharing the same physical space and interests and all that, unknowingly I had developed a very deep bond with them. Realisation of their value came in when I was leaving school. From then on, I realised that I needed to value my friends when I was with them. Some level of maturity was reached I guess.
Then I left home to pursue my studies. Met friends who are now an extension of my family. And when I was away from home, I learnt a lot of things about Family and I. How selfishly I have lived my life so far. But I was ignorant then. The problem was I was also so arrogant that I never listened to anyone trying to drill some sense into that mind of mine! My arrogance, temper, ignorance and many other undesirable traits came into my circle of awareness. I stopped treating my family like a financial support institution but never broke the ice to take it any further.
Slowly, as I continued to pursue higher studies supported by my family, I began to realise the significant role that they played in helping me be as I am. For whatever I am today if I give the credit to them I dont know if they will take it. But who else can be eligible even for a nomination is anybody's guess!
I don't have the habit of emotionally opening up to my family though many people feel that "What else is a family for?". I would like to say that to each person - 'family' has a different meaning. Some people find that if they go back home and speak a lot and spend a lot of time laughing and confiding with their amma or appa they have a very close-knit family. I don't find reason to believe that. Confiding with my appa can never happen. My amma and I cannot talk for more than 3 minutes without entering into a fight (For eg. "What did you've for dinner yesterday?"; "I had Pav Bhaji outside"; "Why do you eat outside so much? Your health doesn't accept it and you know it"; "I felt like having so I had"; "Do whatever you want!") And I don't find the need to be close to them.
But yeah, I don't know about their side of the story. The way that I have been brought up and I have seen my parents, we are not the typical family. That's the way we have been. That's the way my father and his parents (my grandparents) have lived. I don't know if this is the best way to live life or what. I don't think there are any "Best Practices" for this. This is the way we are.
On a slight tangent, why do we see family fights? Probably reason #1 is: Property or Money. However you want to call it. What happens to my definition of a family that's fighting? Where do all this 'closeness' factors disappear? What happens to children who are witness to such fights? These fights could be between children only. Seldom do we witness parents fighting between themselves. As brothers and sisters, when something else as poisonous as property, money, etc. takes prominence to the relationship the relationship dies a slow death. And watching it die, can be the most heart-wrenching experience for everyone involved.
I might have fought with my brother over cricket scores while playing in our compound, over dishes that my mom needs to cook, over chocolates that were gifted to him by our uncle, over icecreams, over studies, carrom, chess, etc. whatever. But I vow today that I will not let any of the relationships in my family die because of fights over money. I don't know why and what made me take this vow, but then I guess it's a good one to make. And there's never a bad time to make a good vow.
As a kid, family meant appa, amma and ani - my kid brother. I used to find their restrictions a bit imposing and probably intrusive at times, but then I had no-one else who would feed me! Ani - my kid brother and I used to fight a lot when we were young. I was a deadly, insensitive, insensible, immature and jealous elder brother. I didn't know why families existed. I thought God had given everyone these individual boxes with 4 people each (because my family had 4 members) into which they went after school and playing cricket. And if by some stroke of luck, they had an element called 'Amma' thrown in then every kid goes home and studies!
As I grew up, family meant to be an unit together with which we face the world. Whenever I slap my friend at school, bite a fleshy arm of a well-to-do benchmate or break the wind-shield of an ambassador car, I have someone to shield me from directly getting spanked. Or in some cases, bear the financial implications. A strange definition. But I never thought beyond this. I guess I was very much living life as it came by the moment.
Then when it was the emotional growth point, I turned into this person who rarely exposed his inner self to anyone else. That was because there was not much off inner depth to this person. I always spoke my mind. Was short tempered. So my mind used to get lot of publicity. And as a result drew a lot of flak. And not necessarily everything was sugar-quoted. So, there was a dual personality brewing one who was hurt and another who was inflicting hurt. My family accepted me the way I was. My parents dealt with me the way you need to be dealt with. My brother has his own world, but we still used to fight. I forgot mention that I was extremely immature. Family then meant a place where I get to inflict hurt, because I don't get them back there. Whereas whenever I did it with the world it came back hundred times bigger.
At such a stage, friends came into my life. Though my equation with them was restricted to sharing the same physical space and interests and all that, unknowingly I had developed a very deep bond with them. Realisation of their value came in when I was leaving school. From then on, I realised that I needed to value my friends when I was with them. Some level of maturity was reached I guess.
Then I left home to pursue my studies. Met friends who are now an extension of my family. And when I was away from home, I learnt a lot of things about Family and I. How selfishly I have lived my life so far. But I was ignorant then. The problem was I was also so arrogant that I never listened to anyone trying to drill some sense into that mind of mine! My arrogance, temper, ignorance and many other undesirable traits came into my circle of awareness. I stopped treating my family like a financial support institution but never broke the ice to take it any further.
Slowly, as I continued to pursue higher studies supported by my family, I began to realise the significant role that they played in helping me be as I am. For whatever I am today if I give the credit to them I dont know if they will take it. But who else can be eligible even for a nomination is anybody's guess!
I don't have the habit of emotionally opening up to my family though many people feel that "What else is a family for?". I would like to say that to each person - 'family' has a different meaning. Some people find that if they go back home and speak a lot and spend a lot of time laughing and confiding with their amma or appa they have a very close-knit family. I don't find reason to believe that. Confiding with my appa can never happen. My amma and I cannot talk for more than 3 minutes without entering into a fight (For eg. "What did you've for dinner yesterday?"; "I had Pav Bhaji outside"; "Why do you eat outside so much? Your health doesn't accept it and you know it"; "I felt like having so I had"; "Do whatever you want!") And I don't find the need to be close to them.
But yeah, I don't know about their side of the story. The way that I have been brought up and I have seen my parents, we are not the typical family. That's the way we have been. That's the way my father and his parents (my grandparents) have lived. I don't know if this is the best way to live life or what. I don't think there are any "Best Practices" for this. This is the way we are.
On a slight tangent, why do we see family fights? Probably reason #1 is: Property or Money. However you want to call it. What happens to my definition of a family that's fighting? Where do all this 'closeness' factors disappear? What happens to children who are witness to such fights? These fights could be between children only. Seldom do we witness parents fighting between themselves. As brothers and sisters, when something else as poisonous as property, money, etc. takes prominence to the relationship the relationship dies a slow death. And watching it die, can be the most heart-wrenching experience for everyone involved.
I might have fought with my brother over cricket scores while playing in our compound, over dishes that my mom needs to cook, over chocolates that were gifted to him by our uncle, over icecreams, over studies, carrom, chess, etc. whatever. But I vow today that I will not let any of the relationships in my family die because of fights over money. I don't know why and what made me take this vow, but then I guess it's a good one to make. And there's never a bad time to make a good vow.
